Journey: Mother, Father

She sits alone, an empty stare



A mother's face she wears


Where did she go wrong,


the fight is gone


Lord help this broken home



Hey, mother, father, sister


Hey, come back, tryin', believein'


Hey, mother, father, dreamer



Don't you know that I'm alive for you


I'm your seventh son


And when lightning strikes the family


Have faith, believe.




With dreams he tried, but lost his pride


He drinks his life away


One photograph, in broken glass


It should not end this way.



Through bitter tears


And wounded years, those ties


of blood were strong


So much to say, those yesterdays


So now don't you turn away.

my Buddy

October 27:
Buddy: Will you bring me to my appt tomorrow?
Me: I can't, I have an appointment at FAHC tomorrow.
Buddy: Can I stay at ur house tonight and you can bring me down on your way?
Me: I don't go that way to Burlington, it's almost an hour out of my way to go that way
Buddy:I wanna stay at ur house tonight
Me: Why?
Buddy:I really don't feel well and dad is never comforting when I don't feel good
Buddy: you can't bring me down in the morning and drop me off to dads in the morning?
Me: It's too much for me to drive that long

Me to Mom:
Me: Buddy wants me to bring him to his appointment tomorrow and doesn't seem to understand that I HAVE to go to my appointment.
Mom: It sucks because it seems like they feel u have all this free time that your well and able 2 do all this driving. don't they know how sick u r? are they taking it 4 granted like Joe telling Bri she can be with u?
Me: I know but what do I do? He makes me feel bad and says he needs me and he is sick and Joe isn't comforting and Joe gets pissed and says I'm never there for the kids and he has to do everything for them and Bud says Joe is going to get fired if he takes anymore time off! What do I do?
Mom: We understand honey, I feel so helpless and so does dad. We love you.

October 28:
Buddy: I need the charger. Can you drop it off to dad and he will bring it to me?
Me: Just called my doctor to see if I can come in at 4 instead of 3. I told him whats going on and he said there's NO WAY I should be at a hospital full of sick people and be exposed this close to my surgery and if what you have is viral and if I get it I will not be able to have my surgery.
Buddy: He's at work and that's my only way to get ahold of people, please?
Me: Can he come get it? I don't go that way to go to Burlington. It's an hour out of the way.
Buddy: No, he'll get fired if he takes anymore time off.

November 1:
Buddy: I don't want to be here anymore!
Me: Then come home. What's going on? Not happy with the drinking and fighting ur getting into.

Buddy calls and I tell him that I'm not happy with the drinking and the fights he's getting into. He ends the call as "he's going to go get something to eat".

A few minutes later:
Buddy: I didn't call to get bitched at! I thought you would be the one person I can talk to.
Me: I've always been there to listend but I'm so hurting rite now
Buddy: How are you hurting?
Me: Everything and I'm worried sick about you and what's going on
Buddy: I'm sorry, I will be ok I think
Me: I would feel better if you come home.
Buddy: Me to but then I will just stress about classes
Me: You need to come home, you can take a semester off
Buddy: No, I can't
Me: I may not be around next semester but you should know that Tim will be there for you. Love you Bud, please don't take chances.
Buddy: Please don't say that, it makes me sad. You need to be strong please!
Me: You have to accept that I'm sick and dying Bud
Buddy: It sucks and I don't wanna
Me: You have to.
Buddy: I don't want to!
Me: I know it's hard but you have to think about it and come to terms with it.
Buddy: What r the odds of you not making it?
Me: Tim loves you like a son, talk to him
Buddy: How long do they give you?
Me: Depends on how the surgery goes
Me: I don't think you or your dad realize how sick I am.
Buddy: I do mom, stop saying that!!! How long do they give you?
Me: If the surgery is not successful.....6 months at the most
Buddy:  Please don't leave me!
Me: It's not my choice
Buddy: Please be strong, I don't want to lose you!
Me: I'm trying but so sad, tired, and hurting all the time
Buddy:  idk what to do! I'm so sad all the time and I just wanna be back with you.
Me: I know, me too
Buddy: I don't wanna regret not spending as much time as I can with you.
Me: I know but you can't stop living, life does go on. Just don't make me worry so much about you!
Buddy: I worry about you, you mean everything to me!
Me: Ditto Bud, now go and eat!
Buddy: I can't. I just wanna come and be with you
Me: You have to eat, it will make you feel better. Christmas break will be here soon.
Buddy: Ya, but that all i do is think about whether your gonna make it through the day!
Buddy:  I love you so much and you have always been there for me. Don't ever forget that! I appreciate everything you have ever done for me!

Halloween 2009

Halloween was so much fun. Brianna was a beautiful witch, Matthew was an army man, Tim and I were just scary.....lol. We hit the streets early as Brian was going to pick up Matt at 5:30. It was windy and raining, but that wasn't going to stop the kids from their candy! They had decorated pillow cases and in about 45 minutes they were already 1/3 full. They had so much fun, but once Matt left with Brian, it was kind of sad to see Bri going door-to-door by herself. She didn't seem to mind though. Tim and I stood at the bottom of the driveways and watched her. Tim was his usual, funny, self-proclaimed funny f*#@$% scaring the kids as they walked by and making rude comments to the older ones and adults. rofl. It's a little sad to think that pretty soon Bri will be too old to Trick or Treat.

My Daughter, Brittany

Below is a posting on Brittany's Facebook:

Brittany Beck Morgan:
 People get sick and die but life still moves on, get over it. Thats life
Sat at 6:53pm
June Schartner:
no you dont i know
Sat at 7:13pm
Eleanor Morgan:
what the heck is going on britt r u ok?
Sat at 7:18pm
Susan Monfette:
She is referring to her dying mother Ellie. Nice way to feel about her mom huh?
Mon 5:19 am

Brittany Beck Morgan:
Well you guys fucked me watch me fly and not only care about my girls
Mon 8:00 am

Brittany Beck Morgan:
People get sick and die but life still moves on, get over it. Thats life
Sat 6:52PM

June Schartner:
dont say things you dont know i lost a son and you better pray you dont lose a child
Sat at 7:16pm
Brittany Beck Morgan:i was refering to my mom and every one is babing her
Sat at 9:01pm
Susan Monfette:Yes Brittany, in the world of reality (in which it does not appear you are living in) mothers do "baby" (not babing) their dying child. She's your mother and she's dying, so continue on in your "make-believe" world like all is fine and good and you're perfect. We are HER mother and father and WE WILL continue to "baby" her until her last breath!
Mon at 5:11 am
Brittany Beck Morgan: Like i said LIFE STILL MOVES ON
Mon at 8:00 am
__________________________________________________________________________________
Brittany Beck Morgan October 31 at 6:50pm
I was not allowed to have my children with me my mother told me that they were going to stay with her and they werent leaving. I made the hardest choice of my life and that was to leave. My kids are doing excelent and i have them back hannah is comming back soon. I work i have my shit together i worked my ass of to get there. I made some bad decissions with trusting people that i am learning that i couldnt trust and now i am dealing with that. But shit happens and people get sick they get cancer but that doesnt make the days stop comming and the world end. Life moves on and so have I.

Susan Monfette October 31 at 5:41am
sometimes we all need a kick in the but to get us on track. i hope you are on track and things are beginning to work out for you! just remember that your mom and grammy tried to help , if i remember correctly you made the choice to leave that night at the ballfield and not take your children with you.you know as sick as your mom is with cancer there is no way she could take care of them, so dont blame her for what she did. as i told you that night you dont just up and leave your children. you can be mad at us forever but it will not change the fact that you made the choice to leave, no one here told you to leave. if you remember living in derbyline and gram and i were always there to help you out and when you went to live with your mom she tried to help you out also! we did it becuase we love you and your children! [we still do and that will never change no matter what happens in the future]. you can be mad at me for saying this but dont blame us for the situation you created.....again we all still love you and the children!!! love papa

Very weird dream

It was so weird.....we (mom, dad, the kids, Tim and I) were on vacation in Florida. We were staying at some resort and just were running in circles. There was this 24 hour barbecue that we kept going to and then going back to our rooms at night. We all shared a room and there were pillows and blankets covering every inch of the room. I woke up one morning and looked at our itinerary and noticed that we were suppose to catch our plane at noon and it was 10:00. We all raced around trying to pack up and grouching at each other cause our vacation was so short. This whole time I had to pee so bad, but didn't want to stop helping pack up. We went to the front desk (which was an outdoors kiosk) to check out. I noticed a port-o-potty next to the pool so I went into to use it. The next thing I knew I was in the swimming pool and everyone was yelling at me. I hadn't noticed that the port-o-potty was on a wheeled trailer and was not secure. When I went in and sat down the trailer rolled the port-o-potty into the swimming pool. Everyone was yelling at me and the hotel manager told me that I owed the resort $15,000.00 for that little mishap!

Then I woke up and had to pee so bad I barely made it into the bathroom!

WOW THAT"S WEIRD!

Visit with my Gram

Mom and I and the kids went to visit Memere last night. She was so happy to see us. She looks really good. Of course Bill had the tv blaring so loud we could barely hear each other. He did eventually turn it off while we talked. Bill was concerned about Buddy. I told him that Buddy was just "blocked-up". He seemed relieved to hear that.

I updated Gram on what was/is going on with my health. As she has been through the cancer scare herself, she really does understand what it feels like emotionally to be told that you have cancer. You can either face reality, accept it, move on, and do what you have to do to get it taken care of OR you can wallow in sadness, self-pity and sorrow and let it eat you up. I confess, I do have days where I feel the latter and then I think of my parents, my kids, Tim, and those who support and understand me. It's so helpful to talk about it to my parents. They are so compassionate, caring, understanding, and calming.

The kids started talking about Halloween and mom told Gram that Tim and I are going to dress up. I showed Gram the picture on my cell phone of my mask. The look on her face was complete horror, sadness, and confusion. I asked her what was wrong. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "you poor thing, how long do you have to wear that after surgery?" Mom and I burst out laughing so hard! She looked at us like we had lost our minds......because of her poor eyesight she couldn't see the picture very well and she thought that it was some sort of mask they put on me after surgery! She laughed along with us when we explained to her what the mask was for....lol

Friday, October 30: Dentist

One of many dental appointments this morning. They were going to do a root canal but I told them to just pull it......root canal=$255 or extraction=$90. Time in the dentist chair with novacaine=20-30 minutes, without novacaine=15 seconds. I opted for no novacaine. Maybe a mistake, I passed out from the pain....lol.

Oh yeah, Joe called earlier this morning. He kind of, in his own way, apologized for last night. He asked more questions about what I was going through and what I still had to go through. I tried to explain everything to him, but it got to a point where I think he couldn't follow it....can you say "short attention span"?

I picked up Matt at Melissa's and headed back to Newport. Bri was at mom and dad's. We visited for awhile, talked about Joe and Buddy's lack of understanding. My parents are so "with-it" when it comes to everything....why can't everyone else be?

Dan and I have been sort of emailing now. I had emailed him the other day about his lack of interest in the fact that I have cancer:

Between Dan Monfette and You

Michelle Lamothe October 29 at 9:52am
Just sitting here thinking.....in all this time that I've known about my cancer, I haven't heard a single word from you. Why is that? Just hurts bad to think that you don't care that I'm dying. :-(

Dan Monfette October 29 at 10:31am
No actually I think about it all the time, however I know very little about what is going on with you because mom and dad don't say to much about it because I think they don't feel comfortable telling me much because it's not really their place to. And you have to admit lately there have been a great deal of secrecy when it comes to your personal life (which I do not have a problem with). but if you want to have a serious talk about something then by all means feel free to call me. I just am not into facebooking or emailing. I'm sitting infront of a computer all day and when I get home the last thing I want to do is spend more time in front of a computer writing.:-(

Michelle Lamothe October 29 at 10:45am
I have stage 2 inverted popplyoma, lyme disease, mrsa,tmj(tmd). I'm on more meds than I can keep track of and have treatments 3 days a week at FAHC. My next surgery is November 13 at FAHC. I am in severe pain (bone pain) most of the time and it's an effort to even get out of bed, let alone get in a car. I usually sleep about 17 hours a day and spend my "free" time puking. So, that's my life in a nutshell. God's punishment for doing horrible things in my life I guess. As far as my personal life goes.....mom, dad, the kids, and tim are it. I lead a pretty boring life now. I'm proud of you Dan and your accomplishments with your music. As my fingers are numb most of the time now, I haven't been able to play my keyboard. Takes me forever to type cause I have to make sure my fingers are hitting the right keys cause I can't feel them. Keep your music going, you sound great! Love your sis.

From: dmonfette@charter.net (dmonfette@charter.net)
Sent: Fri 10/30/09 7:01 AM
To: nekmom@hotmail.com
Michelle,Are you serious!! that song kicks ass!! That is 100 times betterthan anything I've done. I want to hear more :) Hey if you ever needsomeone to record a guitar solo for you (hint, hint) just let me know. YeaSam had a 3 month battle with MRSA. She ended up having surgery to removethe source of the infection and then they treated her with high powerantibiotics. She was finally able to rid herself of it and her last checkupearlier this month came back MRSA free. She can definetly understand howyou feel. She was pretty much disabled by it, constant pain. She to wasinitially being treated by a doctor who made her worse and finally shefound one who knew how to handle it. Thats when the decided she neededsurgery thank God. It was quite an ordeal.

Thursday, October 29: FAHC

Doctors again today. Pre-op physical, MRSA swab, bloodwork. Still cleared for surgery. Hopefully it stays that way. Joe's been trying to call the whole time I was at my appointment. I'm so pissed at him (and Buddy). I guess they think that I have all this "free" time that I have nothing better to do than play taxi and run all over. They just don't "get-it". They don't understand the pain, the sickness, the exhaustion.

Buddy is cleared to go back to school. He was just "bound-up". Joe let him take his car back to school (he never did cancel the insurance as he told me he did). I think Joe's motive was that he had bowling and didn't want to miss it to take Buddy back to school. Bud's still mad at me for not bringing him my charger to use for his cell phone so he could text his friends all day while he was at the hospital. He doesn't understand that it would have been an extra hour of driving for me to go that way to drop it off. Oh well, it's not the first nor will it be the last time he's been mad at me.

Bri called and we talked for a little while. Joe got on the phone and we had it out about how HE keeps bailing Buddy out financially and about how broke HE is and I basically don't do anything nor am I ever there for the kids. I let him have it. He handed the phone back to Bri and told her "to get off the phone, NOW!"

I was sound wound up I couldn't even sleep half the night.

Wednesday, October 28: missed appointment

There is no way I'm going to make it to my appointment today! I could barely get out of bed, let alone drive another 2 hours. I also want to be able to spend time with Matthew today before Brian picks him up and also see my dad. I miss my dad so much, haven't seen him in almost a week :-(

I finished putting plastic on the windows, did laundry and picked up Matt's toys he had scattered all around the house. I went over to see mom and play with Matt. Buddy texted me and wants me to let him know if I'm coming back to Newport tonight because he wants to come spend the night with me. Doctor Toll is still running tests and wants Buddy to stay home another day until the results come back. I didn't tell Buddy that I wasn't going to go to my appointment today because he may have felt bad that I missed my appointment because picking him up last night took so much out of me.

Brian picked up Matt and then mom and I went to Rite Aid to look for a costume for Bri. We had a blast....I put on a scary mask and scared her when she came around the corner. There were people there in the aisle and they started cracking up. Mom thought it was funny too! When we got back to the house, I saw dad was sitting at mom's computer in the kitchen. I put the mask on and snuck up to the window and tried to scare him. It didn't work, he saw my car pull in the driveway and knew it was me!

I got home and couldn't sleep....too sore. I stayed up and crocheted and watch a movie.

Tuesday, October 27th: long ride to Franklin Pierce

Got a call Tuesday that Buddy is still having chest pains and needs to come home to see his doctor. Joe couldn't get out of work to pick him up so I had to make the drive. Just so mad and frustrated. I feel like they think that just because I have all this "free time" that I can do all the running and taking care of things. Yes, I would like to be able to, but they don't understand what torture it's like for me to have to get in a car, sit for almost 4 hours one way and drive. My whole body starts to throb and ache and I feel so exhausted after 20 minutes, let alone 190 miles one way! Anyways, I left at 2:00 and got there at 5:30; drove non-stop. By the time I got there I was so tired and sick to my stomache.

Buddy didn't have two words to say. He said he didn't feel good, but insisted on driving. I didn't argue with him because at that point I knew it was probably safest that he drive. He kept insisting that he wanted to come back to my house in Newport for the night and I could bring him to the doctors in the morning in St. Johnsbury. I had an appointment in Burlington the next day and at first he asked me to cancel it and I said no. Then he asked if I would just drop him off on my way to Burlington. I tried to explain to him that I don't go to Burlington from Newport that way and that it's an extra hour of driving by going that way. He became even more sullen and made me feel bad about not agreeing. Bud didn't say anything and he didn't want to talk.

I was very nauseous and dozed most of the way back. He text the whole time he was driving and everytime he texted the car would swerve and made me even more nauseous. I didn't say anything about it cause I knew he was already pissed and didn't want the situation to worsen. He woke me up in St. Johnsbury and told me that I needed to wake up. He asked me three times if I would be okay to drive home alone and that he would drive me home if needed. I told him I was fine.

We got to Joe's and he went right into his room and turned on the tv. I talked with Bri for a little while. Before I left I went into talk to Buddy. He didn't want to talk and wouldn't take his eyes off the tv....he's pissed at me.

I drove home and stopped at mom and dad's to pick up Matthew. I was so pissed that Buddy was acting that way towards me cause I wouldn't bring him to his doctors the next morning. I got even more pissed because I thought of the time I had lost with Matthew to go pick Buddy him and have him treat me this way. Maybe it's wrong, but at that moment I resented Buddy taking my time away from Matthew and then treat me like that.

When I got to mom and dad's, Matthew was sleeping so mom told me to leave him. I cried on the way home thinking that I had lost out on spending my last night with Matthew before he had to go back to Brians.

Monday, October 26: Matthew

Picked up Matthew at Melissa's Monday afternoon. He was so happy to see me. He said that Brian had gotten him a kitty for his birthday, but he couldn't remember the name. He was happy the kitty sleeps with him at night. Matt slept all the way home and woke up as soon as we got to Newport. He wanted to go straight home. It was so cold in the apartment. I turned the heat on and wrapped him up in a blanket and he sat curled up next to the register eating his supper. I really thought he would give me a hard time about going to bed because he slept all the way, but he tugged on my shirt and said "Mommy, will you come lay down with me and watch a movie?" Ahhhh.....heaven to my ears. I was so tired and achy and now relieved that he wanted me to lay down with him! We didn't even get into the first part of the movie and he was out at 6:38 pm.

What is today anyway?

Felt a little sore and tired this morning when I got up, but overall thought it would be a good day. Until a couple of hours ago.....head and sinus are throbbing horribly. Not even percocet is cutting it right now. Tim and I are suppose to go to the movies to see Law Abiding Citizen, but not sure if I'll make it out today. Tim just got home from duck hunting...successful day for him.

The Craft Fair

Picked up my scripts at UHC. Mom talked me into meeting her at the craft fair in Essex. She was right, I had a great time. Enjoyed talking and shopping with mom. Wish the day was longer. Wanted mom to come back to Tim's with me and spend the night. She didn't want Sheryl to ride back alone. Got back to Tim's totally exhausted but happy for a change. Tim had pizza waiting for us. We had a very relaxing evening and I ended up actually laughing and feeling better.

Bike or not

Tim wanted me to drop off a payment at the bank in St. Albans. Beautiful day so I took my bike (still waiting for that one more, nice ride). Got a mile up the road and about froze my ass to the seat. Turned around and got my car.....maybe another day. Can't stop crying all the time. Not sure if I feel sadder for me or my family...probably both. Mom and Tim say I need to get out more insteading of cooping myself up in the house, all alone everyday. Not much of a life I agree, but feel like I'm living in Limbo.

October 23, 2009

Woke up at 3:15 am....pain, pain, pain. Could barely move let alone get out of bed. Of course Raven was laying on my legs (I guess trying to make me feel better as she usually does). Couldn't find my percs....shit have to go downstairs to Tim's room to get some. Ughhhh......stairs are a killer.

Tim's taking tonight off....scouting out spots to hunt tomorrow. Not sure what I'm going to do today. Just so down, discrouaged, frustrated. Sick of my life, sick of being sick, sick of being in pain, sick of missing out on so much of my kids lives, sick of living out of a backpack, going back and forth between my home and Tim's, sick of not feeling like I belong anywhere anymore, and sick of having my family so sad about it.

Have to go to UHC to pick up scripts......dreading getting in the car and the trip to Burlington....I hate that drive! Going to talk with doc about upping my Celexa. Maybe that will help with the constant sadness?

October 22, 2009

Still pretty down. Went to appointment at VT Professional Academy. If all goes well I will be starting January 11, 2010. Just sooooo tired. Need to sleep. So frustrating, so little driving can make me so tired. Very frustrated and discouraged right now. What can go wrong in my life usually does. I hate my life right now. If it wasn't for my family, children, and fiance I would probably off myself.
Tim still sleeping and won't be up for a couple more hours....can't wake him and Jeter won't stop barking and whining. Guess I'll have to go lay down in Tucker's room.

Nite.....

What else?

Sinus Infections >
Deviated Septum >
Inverted Poppyloma >
Cancer > scans, tests, needles, biopsies, steroids, pain surgery, surgery, surgery
MRSA > tests, needles, swabs, samples, spinal tap, pain, antibiotics
Lyme Disease > tests, needles, antibiotics
Botched Surgery > pain, more surgery, pain
MRSA spreads > sinuses, eyes, mouth
Dislocated Jaw > pain, pressure
TMJ (TMD) > pain, pain, pain
Broken teeth (from botched surgery) > pain, pain, pain
Bronchitis
Strept Throat